26 posts tagged “love”

      I now understand why that "in sickness and in health" clause is included in wedding vows: being sick with your significant other SUCKS. Both of us have been on and off sick, and now it's just hit a peak. I have a very weak immune system (due to several factors) -- you name it, I've had it, have it, or will probably catch it in a few weeks. It's illness season on campus: sore throats, stomach viruses, and the flu. Jon got sick first with a bad cold. I caught a cold from him, and it morphed into the OmniCold (patent pending) with Supersore sore throat technology -- I couldn't talk for two days. It's finally getting better, but my voice still breaks every couple of lines when I talk. I took half of the day to rest up, and it did a world of help for me.

     Jon, however, is another story. Jon does not get sick -- he had perfect attendance in high school (pretty sure), and he prides himself in being "impervious to illness". He's got the flu, and it's the most horrible sight to be seen. Since he got off from work tonight, I've been taking care of him -- giving him cold rags to put on his head, helping him clean his room, getting food, drinks, and medicine for him, and even preparing a barf bag.

     It's a random thought, but here goes: the risk of me getting sick isn't what hurts me the most. It's the fact that he's laying down, in bed, literally two feet away from me right now, and there's basically nothing I can do. He looks like hell. He's shaking, coughing, and he's basically unable to speak. I've been sending emails around to his professors and his boss to make sure he doesn't get behind in class (I'm picking up some of his work), and I'm going with him to the wellness center (think "nurse's office") tomorrow to make sure he's okay.

    God, now he's looking over at me. He looks like he's in so much pain. THIS IS KILLING ME. I wish I could just stay in his dorm, make sure he's alright over the night, and bring him something to eat. Unfortunately, he can't/won't eat anything, he's barely drinking any water (I'm forcing him to drink it since I can pretty much tell he has a fever even though we don't have a thermometer), and he's very tough to understand when speaking.

     How do you wives/husbands handle this stuff...I've never seen him like this, and it just pains me so much. Thank goodness he won't be at work tomorrow -- once I'm done my shift at 3:30 I can come right down here and check on him.

Originally published at Marsofel. You can comment here or there.

      So, a random thing about my upbringing: while we never really went to church very much, my family really tried to be a religious, God-fearing one. We weren't allowed to wear makeup for a while, we couldn't invite boys over, we couldn't dress up as witches or monsters for Halloween (in fact, my Mom had some issues with us even celebrating Halloween), and a bevy of other weird things. She had a problem with us playing Pokemon. Seriously. She also had issues with the game "Magic the Gathering", mostly because of its "gross" illustrations and references to the occult.

Well, when Jon and I started dating, he tried to get me to play. He loves anything relating to games, and Magic's one of his favorites. Well, I continually declined, trying to make sure I didn't upset my parents. Well, for Christmas last year, I bought Jon a DVD of one of his favorite shows (Undergrads, a cult favorite that got canceled after one season) via a company on eBay. It looked like it wasn't going to arrive on time due to a shipping error (I will never buy from a Canadian company again), so my Mother and I went to a card store to buy Jon a few new packs of cards from Magic that he had been wanting.

     I don't know the man's name, but the man working there that day has earned my undying love. He was the sweetest person I've ever met; well-spoken, didn't use coarse language, and was willing to explain things. He explained all of the different games to my Mother, and proved to her that the game wasn't "Satanic": "Ma'am, you'd learn more about evil and 'real' magic from watching a Disney movie. There's no actual magic involved in the game at all." He also explained to her why 20-sided dice are more "fair" than six-sided ones, and also gave her a piece of information that I had been trying to give her for years: "The kinds of kids who play Dungeons and Dragons...it's not the games themselves that make them 'go nuts' [her words]...I think it's more of the fact that the games are slightly counter-culture...it's something they can latch on to." Besides -- who wants to watch the news and hear that everything went wonderfully? The news is for tragedy and the absurd. After the conversation, she gave me permission to play -- which has made Jon unbelievably happy.

     I'm not the best player on the face of the planet (definitely not), but Jon gets excited when we play -- apparently I'm better than his usual sparring partner (Sean), and he sees a "lot of potential" in me. Also, he says he likes it when he sees how competitive I get. It makes things interesting. Example today:

[while playing a game]

Me: OK...Sean, I'm going to block you with...*starts laying down card*
Jon: No you won't. Instant. Destroys target enchantment. Sean's monster still attacks you.
Me: ...
Jon: *gets up* So, does anyone want something to drink? Marisa, you thirsty for anything?
Me: Your BLOOD. Sit down. You're not going anywhere, and nobody's getting anything to drink.
Jon: Ooh! She's mad!
Well, he invited me to play a game with him online with an online deck builder -- you have every card available to you, and you can make any deck you want (whenever I played, I was limited to the cards Jon had). Well, I made one that I didn't think was very good -- no artifacts, one color -- and played against his deck, which had "six different ways to deal infinite damage".

     I won. He was TICKED. Impressed, but ticked. For those of you wondering how I did this (this is where the conversation gets really nerdy), I think Jon would describe it as being an "Aggro [aggressive] Green" deck. Every single creature in the deck was an Elf, and the deck had four Heedless Ones. Heedless One is a powerless card, that is, until you play an elf. It gets +1/+1 for every elf in play. On top of that, the deck (of 60 cards) had 25 lands, and the card "exploration" in it (which allowed me to play two lands a turn instead of one). I had him dead in (I think) six turns. Two Heedless Ones, an Elven Riders card, Gaea's Herald, and a "growth" type card that gave the Elven Riders +3/+3. So, that meant at the last turn of the game (Jon was at 13 health at this point), even though I couldn't attack with Gaea's Herald (it had just come into play that turn), I had two 4/4 Heedless Ones, and a buffed up 6/6 Elven Riders -- 14 damage.

     I still call it luck, but it was nice to be able to do that. :) Now I gotta watch it though...now he thinks I know what I'm doing!

    Before I knew that my grant was reverified, the fact that I would be down almost eight thousand dollars a semester really started to hit me. I kept thinking over and over again: "My parents paid the deposits and paid for my books already. What in the world is going to happen to me if I can't pay the tuition because of that one mistake? I can't have that happen." I registered for a site that will find scholarships that apply to you -- and now that I have an idea of what I want to do, it's much easier than it was before.
    I've seen some pretty weird scholarship requirements in my money-searching history. My old high school runs off a list of scholarships that could be won by students as a service -- full due dates, details included, everything spelled out for you. I'm not kidding when I say I saw money being offered for the following:

-Physically disabled student who plays golf on a school team. It can't be any other sport, oh gosh no -- you have to be disabled and play golf.
-Son or daughter of a parent who died in a "catastrophic accident", which makes me wonder: what exactly is "catastrophic"? I can imagine it now: "Your Mom died in a car crash? That's tragic. Sorry. Your Dad died by falling through 10 flaming mattresses while working in an assembly line? Now that's a catastrophe! Here's your check." It actually makes me a bit sick to my stomach...the scholarship was for 750 dollars. Given their criteria, I'd say that's an insult.
-Students interested in working in the food service industry in schools. Yes. A "lunch lady" scholarship.
-Son or daughter of a Jewish single parent, or of Jewish parents who both are disabled. SO. OBSCURE. I mean, obviously, there are people who do fall under that category and would benefit from that scholarship, but...wow.

    What gets me about some of the scholarships is the complete inability to verify that the people receiving the scholarships actually fit the criteria. Example? LGBT scholarships. How do they check this? "Yes, I'm gay. I'm really gay. This is my boyfriend. Ask my parents. My MySpace page says I'm gay. Thank you for the money." It seems like almost anyone could pull a Chuck and Larry and get this money. Same thing with minority scholarships: I got one for being marked as "Hispanic" on my student file, and you know what? Nobody ever asked me a darn thing about it. My last name is not particularly Hispanic sounding -- in fact, because of my lighter complexion (in comparison to my full-blooded Hispanic cousins) and my "Latin" surname, I'm usually mistaken for Italian. How do you check? Do you ask? Do you go to their house and interview family and friends? There's no way to check these things, at least not effectively!
    Some of the scholarships I found online were a little more...orthodox. I applied for one that had very simple requirements: "Sign up for our site, and then answer one question. 250 words." Are you kidding me? LET'S GO!

    I get to the question, and I'm flabbergasted: "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

     Afraid of what? What do you mean "what would I do"? With my life? Short term, long term? I followed my gut and eventually answered the question as best as I could. I'm nervous that it wasn't the kind of answer they wanted, though.
    Jon and I were out about a week ago, and I asked him the same question: "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
     "Of what?"
    "Of anything, I guess. Failure, embarrassment..."
    "Oh. Well..."
    And he told me what he would do. I won't say because, even though it's not embarrassing or silly or out of reach in any way, dreams can be fragile things. If they're mentioned without too much support in the person's heart, they can be completely destroyed. And I like his dreams too much to put them out there without his consent.
    He asked me what I would do if I weren't afraid. And I told him.

    I want to do...everything. I want to live a life full of experiences, so I can share those stories with friends and loved ones, and eventually pass on what I learned to my children, my grandchildren, and (hopefully) my students. I don't want to think that I wasted my time, or did things that made me unhappy, or didn't do something that I could have done. In fifty or sixty years, my number will be up, and I know that. My hair will be gray or completely white, I'll have wrinkles and lines in my skin, and I don't want to think that I ever wasted the time I had from "point A" to "point B". I want to be able to look in the mirror at my reflection at that time and say: "You lived a good, meaningful life. You stuck to your morals. You helped others, you respected them. You traveled. You made mistakes and took chances. You had a good time while you were here."
    I want to learn all the languages I can and read literature from all over the world and all eras. I want to read "Don Quixote" in its native Spanish, "The Phantom of the Opera" and "Night" in their original French, Dante's Divine Comedy in Italian. Chinese literature is also something I'd like to be able to understand. Latin and Greek as well. If I have the capacity, why not do it?
    I want to travel. I want to visit every U.S. state, live in Europe for a while, visit Japan. I want to experience what the world has to offer, good and bad -- I would want to (one day) be able to volunteer my time and energy to help developing countries, or do something for humanitarian aid in Africa or the Middle East. I want to...go mountain climbing, try skiing, go on a road trip that takes hours. I want to take lots of pictures of everywhere I go.
    I want to do things just for the sake of having the experience: sell a painting I made, write a book, open a restaurant, be in charge of a club or group for a while, build a computer, learn swordsmanship and fire-eating, learn to ride a motorcycle, write a score for a musical or film, invent something that people will use, help build a house, ride a unicycle, be in a wacky contest, do something on TV...I want to be able to say that I tried a little bit of everything.
    Of course, I want to be able to do all of this with someone I love. Jon, you're invited to all of my little escapades -- frankly, I don't think I can do all of this without your support. And really, that's not even everything I want to do. There's more.

    I'll ask you guys: What would you do if you weren't afraid?

How prophetic the title of my last entry was.

Love lies bleeding in my hand.

    So, barring the immense stress and some of the weird things that are going on at home right now, today was FANTASTIC. Seriously, my day deserves caps lock, underline, bold-face print, and multiple colors. It was that good.
    Jon came over today, first off. He brought over a movie, popcorn, and the paperwork I needed. I don't have a printer, so whenever the university sends something to my email address that needs to be printed, I generally disregard it, or find another way to do it. Thanks to him, I can have my book order in on time, and not have to worry about this weird error I keep getting at the book store's website. THANK YOU JON.
    The movie he brought over was Clerks, and I'll admit I was apprehensive about it, especially since it was in black and white. I don't know why, but black and white movies made in the era of color just annoy me. It seems like they're always trying too hard to be artistic. But this movie? AWESOME. Funny, meaningful, and of course, enough satire to leave two admittedly cynical and sarcastic people like me and Jon satisfied. Watch it. It's good.
    Afterwards, we played cards with my Mom and Ginger. We are cut-throat crazy eights players, all of us. There was yelling, and swearing, and cursing...oh, it was good times (in case you were wondering: Jon won. Jerk.) Mom did some kind of weird "fortune telling" thing with the cards that she apparently used to do when she was a kid, and we found out some things:

-I will be happiest with my job and my life in general.
-Jon is the biggest jerk.
-Mom lies the most.
-Ginger is the brattiest.
-I will be the loneliest.
-Jon will get all of the girls.
-I am the most likely to live far away from where I live now.
-Jon will have the most children (NOT WITH ME, SUCKER!).
-I confuse the words "back yard" and "back door". Which made the phrase "backyard wrestling" REALLY AWKWARD.
-According to the cards, Jon and I are the best kissers out of everyone we know (I'm inclined to agree).

     Oh! And another thing. I made dinner, and it was GREAT. Spaghetti and meatballs. If you ever want to make something nice without going crazy, use half ground beef and half sausage to make your meatballs. It will taste fantastic, trust me. Everybody ate the meatballs and nothing else, heh.
    Do you guys have any little recipe twists that you do that make your food super awesome? For example, I always put a little bit of crushed red pepper into any hamburgers I make...just enough to give it a little kick; I like it that way. Oh, and you should always top burgers with steak sauce. DO IT.
    Today, for me, was a good day. I officially weigh the least I've ever been in FOUR YEARS, and I had a great time.

    ...and Jon just sent me an awesome new game. LIFE IS GOOD.

    I'm a weird kid. I like mustard on everything, I can eat cheese until I explode, I can't sleep if there's no sound, and I can't buy certain shoes because of my oddball feet. Well, one of my weirdest little quirks is this: I can't sleep with other people in the room.
    I don't know why, but I just get scared. In the back of my mind I start wondering if they'll hurt me, or take my things, or just do...anything I wouldn't like. I'm afraid of being that vulnerable; I guess that's why I always locked my door when I could before going to bed.
    Well, Jon was over here on Saturday, and like I mentioned earlier, I got my first migraine, also known as the worst headache ever, also known as The Debilitator. Really, I could not move for about three hours before Jon came over, and then when he was there, I was bedridden for about an hour.
    He just stayed there by my side, turning down the fan and TV, putting his hand on my forehead. I asked him what time it was as I closed my eyes. He said 5:40. I can remember finally reaching a good temperature (because for some reason I felt like I was on fire) and my headache finally breaking a little bit.
    The next thing I know, I hear Jon quietly ask me, "You feeling any better?" I asked him again what time it was, and he said 7 PM. I couldn't believe it for two reasons:

    1. He stayed by my side and didn't leave.
    2. I fell asleep. I actually was able to fall asleep. I have never been able to do that, ever.

    I guess I trust him more than I'm aware of. And that's awesome. I hope he trusts me that much.

    No clever titles for this one, folks.

    I got my first migraine today, and I certainly hope it never happens again. I was down in bed for about four hours (one of those hours was actually when Jon was over), one side of my head felt like it was throbbing, my sight was hazy, and at times I couldn't hear. My stomach was flopping around, and it didn't stop until I went into the bathroom and forced myself to vomit. I don't know why, but the headache was gone after that. I've been pretty much wiped out even though I'm not in any pain right now -- even Jon said I looked completely out of it while it was happening. As soon as I tried to get up to force myself to get past it, the sharp pain would start all over again -- and I would wind up right back in bed.
    However, it did prove that my boyfriend is wonderful: he brought me aspirin and something to drink, held his hand on my head because I said it made it feel better, turned on the air conditioner and basically did anything that would make me more comfortable if I asked, and wasn't upset by the fact that I was sick. I'm still upset that we wound up not doing very much because of it, today, so I definitely need to make up for it the next time we do see each other.
    Now to get some sleep. I have work to do tomorrow....er, today.

    I'm not a strict believer in astrology, but sometimes it's fun to think about. Well, my birthday is May 16th. I'm a Taurus: stubborn, patient, materialistic, and grounded. Jon's birthday, for anyone who's curious, is December 10th -- he's an honest, random, intellectual, and optimistic Sagittarius. For anyone who does read into astrology, you can see already a big thing: this is considered one of the most difficult match ups from the get-go. His focus is (admittedly) emotional security, and mine is (very admittedly) physical and tangible security.
    I can say this: we balance each other out, and we help each other because of our different goals. Today was the perfect example.

    There was a gigantic argument in my house. Not a simple "I'm mad at you" kind of argument either. Without going too deeply into it, I was even told by my Father that it may be better for me to leave the house for a few hours since I wasn't involved. I tried calling Tony to see if I could go duck out at his house, but there was no answer. I called Jon. He calmed me down, arranged a ride for me, and just let me hang out with him at his house for a few hours.
    He, Sean, and I played a bunch of games -- crazy eights, we answered a few game show questions together, and we played poker. Jon seemed impressed by one aspect of my playing:

Jon: See, I was having a hard time with you when we were playing. It's not that you're a tough player to beat--
Me: You just don't know how I react yet.
Jon: Exactly.
Me: I could tell when you were lying.
Jon: Ehh, sometimes I'll flat-out lie and put a lot in when I don't have anything, but --
Me: Well yeah, I know that, but I could tell when you were betting high as a bluff or as a legitimate shot. You did everything based on how Sean reacted because you know him well enough, so if Sean flinched at all, I knew you were being honest with your bets.
Jon: ...see. I don't know if you know this, but that's called people reading, and that's really important when playing poker. (side note: another Sagittarius quality of his -- he's a natural teacher, whether he knows it or not.)
Me: Yeah, I know. The only thing I don't really know is which hands beat which and the probability.
Jon: ...which you can do by playing online. That's all probability and strategy, not people reading.

     Well, after Sean went out to play with friends, Jon and I had some time to ourselves to talk...which I definitely needed. I promised him I would explain what was going on, and he seemed worried, but having him there just brought me a sense of ease. As we were laying down, though, I noticed that something was wrong.

Me: You look funny.
Jon: I always look funny.
Me: You know what I meant...something wrong?
Jon: I just...have so much to do.
Me: Well, the license, yeah, but what else?
Jon: I still have to apply for that loan and the money is due by the 25th.
Me: You said you were going to do it on the 10th.
Jon: I put it off...

    I gave him a list of everything he would need to fill out all of the forms online, offered to call any offices for him, and helped him sort through what he could do to alleviate some of his stress, and what he just shouldn't worry about since he has no control over it.
    He got very tired after our conversation and was half-asleep in bed while I was playing with his hair: "Jon," I said, "I know...it's like, nobody said it was going to be easy, but nobody ever told us it was going to be this hard, eh? I know this might not be too comforting to you, but sometimes it helps me...lots of people go to college. Lots of people have to take out loans, and lots of people have had the same problems we're having right now. The chances of our situation being...an anomaly, even at that small college, are slim to none. Other people have been through what we're doing right now, and they've come out OK. We'll get through it. It won't be easy, but we can."
    He didn't say anything, but he turned around just slightly and kissed my hand. Oh, and in case you were wondering: the situation when I got home was just about as bad as I expected, according to Ginger. Carly still hasn't come home, and she said that she just wouldn't come home if certain things didn't happen...so thank god that Jon was there for me.
    We're a team...and we are awesome. Remember that.

    Sometimes, Jon can do some really great things. I mean, great things:

1. I told him that I was applying for a job at the university's bookstore, but needed the application (which was only available online). He printed it out for me and may be bringing it over tomorrow.
2. He also did the same thing with a scholarship application.
3. When I told him I was in the mood for chocolate and going nuts for it due to a visit from Aunt Flow, he came over to my house with a gigantic bag of different chocolates (including my favorite -- dark chocolate) and my favorite kind of soda.
4. He gave me the best back rub EVER since I was in so much pain I almost didn't want to move.

    I'm lucky. As annoying as he can be sometimes, he makes certain aspects of my life significantly easier just by calming me down. And he really is the only person I've met who can do that just by being near me.

Earlier today, while playing the iLike Music Challenge on Facebook:

Jon: Did you hear? Stevie Wonder died.
Me: WHAT?
Jon: Yeah.
Me: ...
Jon: He never saw it coming.
Me: ..........just shut up.